1) “You’ll find it when you aren’t looking!”
This is typically where your advice starts. ”It’ll come along when you least expect it,” is also “You’ll find it when you aren’t looking“‘s retarded little sister. You can all just go fuck right the fuck off after you say this to anyone who is single. This is a ridiculous statement. We’re programmed to look for it. It’s in our genetic makeup and all that scientifick-y shit. That’s like saying, “hey, you know that dream career you want? Fuck working at it. It’ll happen when you least expect it. One day you’ll be walking down the street and BAM you’ll be a fucking CEO. And it’ll be success after success for years after, but don’t work for it or anything like that. Just maybe chill out on this couch. It’ll come to you.” You need to stop telling us not to look for it, because let me tell you something, there have been times I have been looking for a pen and instead some serendipitous moron came along that I thought could have been Prince Charming (but turned out instead to be Prince Fuckface,) and there have been days and times and months and years where I wasn’t looking for it, and guess what came along? A jar of Nutella and a few bananas between some slices of white bread.
2) “You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.”
This is true. BUT there are those of us who ARE actually happy with who we are. BRO. I’m happy with myself. I’m so fucking happy with myself I actually wake up every morning and brush my teeth with rainbows after I piss excellence and wash my face with glory. Seriously though, “finding yourself” is a process in life, and I don’t think you’re ever really “done,” per se. Am I completely different person than I was in college? Not entirely. Have I gone through a ton of real world shit that has changed my outlook and made me stronger, happier, more independent, and a fuckload more of a catch? Yes. Am I happy with myself? Yes. Will I continue to grow and change and all that shit that humans do until they die? Yes. Consider that it’s not that all of us happy single people need someone in our lives to dote on us and make us happier, it’s that we’re finally happy and we want someone to share it with. Also, a lot of you “happy” fucks in relationships seem like you need to have a few weeks on your own to evaluate yourselves. The incessant need for your boyfriend to text you back within thirty seconds after a text followed by a shitfit may not be the best proof surrounding your statement. Try again.
3) “You’re still young, you got all the time in the world.”
You’re still fucking annoying. We don’t give a shit how old we are. Age isn’t really what we’re complaining about. And although many of us are young, we still have examples of people who are old and alone every day. And that’s terrifying. So your logic is moot. Also, don’t call me “kid” at the end of that statement. If you’re older than me, and you add a “kid” onto the end in a sort of “endearing” way, I will legit find a way to light you and your family on fire.
4) “You deserve someone who wants to give you everything.”
Hey, shithead, I couldn’t agree more. Actually after hearing this a couple dozen times it makes me feel like you’re just saying it to avoid the conversation about how depressing it is that no one has come along yet. You could list off a million reasons why I’m worth all the love and unicorns and mermaids in the world, and I would be on your page a hundred percent. As a matter of fact, I would have written more pages after we were both done being on your page, so that we could also be on those pages as well. So now that I know what I deserve, what clever thing do you have to say that will make me feel better about the fact that the universe has decided to hold out on giving me the things I deserve?
5) “You’re looking in the wrong places.”
This one’s particularly good. Because then I get to ask the follow up question of “then please tell me where I should be looking.” Tell me more about this magical land that you found your significant other? OH, was it WORK? Or was it the GYM? Or were you SET UP? Please tell me, because I guarantee, I have had some type of dating experience with someone from each place you say is the “right” place to look. You fuckheads seem to think all of us single people just go out to bars and get trashed and try to marry the first thing that buys us a round of shots. Just because I go to bars occasionally does not mean I have a belief I’m going to meet the man I’m going to marry in a Cabo Cantina. Consider that sometimes we just want some vodka and loud music. You know, to drown out your shitty dating advice.
6) ”You should try online dating!”
And you should try seeing how much of your head you can fit into an oven. Internet dating is essentially Craigslist missed connections with direct messaging and a few more pictures of Carl’s body after a workout. OKCupid, Match.com, Christianmingle (WHY GOD, WHY) all of these sites are probably the WORST place to find real love. Love isn’t something that you should have to read manifestos and “6 things I can’t live without” sections to find. It’s probably one of the most inorganic ways to find someone, in my opinion, and I’m not knocking it, but there’s no way I’m setting up an online profile for the likes of James, the recently divorced father of three, and Tucker, the obsessive college junior with a wandering eye. I’ll be at the bar.
7) “You’re too picky.”
OH, I’M SORRY. Please, lead me to your lair of Meatloaf look-a-likes and Frankenstein’s with kind hearts. Let’s be clear, I’m not picky, I’m just trying to make sure I don’t end up with someone half-blind, who is a closeted alcoholic, and has enough emotional baggage to figuratively crash a 747.
8) “Oh hey, but also, never settle.”
I don’t even have anything to say for this. There’s too much rage from number 7.
9) “You need to put yourself out there more.”
Unless I need to be naked on the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. cooking brownies, making sandwiches, throwing paychecks in the air and simultaneously holding twins, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. But hey, if you have any more advice on REALLY putting myself out there, let me know. Maybe existing as a human being and going places and meeting people in the world just isn’t enough.
10) “I’m Engaged!”
Single People Everywhere